The shadow part of me
by cupcakeofdestruction
Summary: Harry is struggling to deal with his daily 'episodes' but a flicker of light helps keep him that little sanity he had left. Trying to find out what's keeping the darkness from surrounding him he finally gets to experience love. Plus a weird addiction to baths...?
1. Chapter 1

hello- I think this story has great potential however I have a hard time sticking with... Well anything. So if you like this story so far please be patient in your wait for the next chapter. Thanks for having faith. (English is not my first language and I'd appreciate any comments on the grammar and just use of general phrases and wether they are correct And how I could improve. Thank you)

Disclaimer: however hard I wish I will never be J.K. nor W.B. and will never own the Harry Potter franchise.

"Darling your shaking!" That's the last thing I hear. I need to get away. If I don't ill hurt someone, again. I need to stop breathing.. I need the pain in my head to scream.. I need it to wake me. My true self, my normal self. The self which everyone knows, the me who will think twice before even swatting at a fly. The one who loves and cherishes the little things. My original Harry. With my heart beat the only sound, I stand. I stand up and move a leg, however the leg never touches the floor like it was meant to. I levitate exactly 2 inches of the ground. I see the shadowy wings flapping, but not moving me. I lean forward and get out of there at full speed. My heart beating in the same rhythm it always has, puts me off, it's like it never changes even in the most nerve wrecking situations. As if im not human, not worth to have a normal heart. Not good enough to be fully functioning. Not good enough to feel the beat instead of hearing it. I fly through the full corridors above everyone now. I see them shake, hug themselves, curl into their jumpers with the surprising cold that has just attacked them. The cold from my ever-beating heart. The cold that my shadow brings everywhere. The cold which can kill. Wants to kill. I turn a few corners, my heart beat not quieting, my shadow not warming up, and fly up some stair cases. I finally see the bare wall. No door, no window, no painting hung upon it. I close my eyes and the shadowy wings fly three times back and forth in front of the wall. When the shadows bring me back to the middle of the wall I open my eyes. Apart from the dead shadows and the floating souls I see a door. The door is large and coloured in light turquoise colour. Most of it is just the texture of the natural heavy wood it's made of, however around the edge of the door a 3d swirling pattern is made from a metal. The metal is a rusty in colour not painted, never painted. The handle is the same in the right hand side of the door. Finally the shadows drop me and I land on my feet without bending My legs. Just like always. I smile and put my hand out. However not t touch the handle, my palm is facing upwards. I stand still and wait, smile not leaving my lips. I have nothing to frown about other than my heart beat drowning out any sound. I stand following one dark shadow with my eyes, my hand not moving at all. This one is interesting. It's as darker than any other one i have seen but the blackness of its gas like body is so dense it stands out f all the others. In all the greyness it seems to glow. I stare at its dementor like body while it floats in front of me. It's faceless head turns to me and it cocks its head to the side almost as if it can see me, as if it can study me with the interest it's showing now. I know it's stuck. If no one can save it, it will just become another dementor. It will be as evil as them all, but... It's seem a little too humane for my liking. It seems to be genuinely curious, which at this stage in their ,Ives is never a good thing. Suddenly it's head moves. It looks left and then right, them behind it as if checking that nobody can see it. I copy its movements assuring myself that all the shadows and souls are preoccupied. They're just floating along, not paying attention to me, the human they see almost everyday. I didnt know why but I release a sigh of relief. And I hear a similar noise in from of me. I turn back to see the shadow releasing it self from what looked like being tense. It's very surprising, but the rhythm ringing in my ears does not change it's pace for the slightest.

The shadow slowly circles my hand all the while "looking" at me. It the looks down and slowly places itself atop my palm. It feels as if a slight breezes was to sit in my hand, some of it seeping through the cracks between my fingers. Not moving my arm I step forward bringing the shadow closer to myself. It cringes(?) but doesn't move any more. I want to say something but it probably wouldn't understand me anyway. I want to know its story, how it became this. Why its different, why it caught my eye. I want to know... But my heartbeat is too laud to concentrate on anything but getting rid of it. I gently move my hand up not really wanting to let this little one go. Gingerly it picks up from my palm, and flouts a few inches above it. I see it hesitating, it doesn't want to leave me either. However all i can think about is relieving my self of this darkness around me. I open my mouth but close it quickly knowing that nothing good will come out anyway. I slowly move my arm down and forward, this time for the handle. Suddenly the shadowy party of me doesn't look as bad. No more its a depressive state that I can't wait to leave behind. No more I hate knowing that at least once in each day, the shadows will surround me again. Now I feel a little hope that tomorrow I won't be alone going through this. Like a little companion wit me to remind me where I was going. To remind me that the shadows are not going to be there with me forever and that even in the darkest parts of everyone there's a little light. Flickering, and turning off at points but always there. Always in the power of the one whom its inside, and that they always have the choice of keeping it alight.

I close my eyes and sigh. I don't want to leave now, not because suddenly I enjoyed the weird new...friend. More because I wanted to make sure it will be safe, that it won't bleed over to the darkness around. To make sure it will be here tomorrow. However I can't do much about anything so I open my eyes and grab the handle, pushing it down. I shove the heavy door forward and step in. Turning around to close it I see the shadow tracing my moves with its faceless head. It's stops moving when I do and once again cocks its head. I can no longer bear the pounding in my eardrums . I shut the door in front of the shadow feeling not just a little bit a lot of guilt flowing up my being.

thank you for ready please review(there's very little to rate isn't there?!) feel free to scold me for late uploads :)


	2. Chapter 2

Hello again! Like I said so sorry for the wait and while I don't think it was worth it you can judge that! ** This chapter revolves around self harm so please if you think this will trigger you dont read. Thanks. **

Disclaimer: however hard I wish I will never be J.K. nor W.B. and will never own the Harry Potter franchise.

The slow gentle ripples of water tickled my arm, submerged in it. At this point the water is near boiling however I feel none of it. My shadows cooled my skin to almost a freezing point. I have to get in the water quickly and do what I have to even quicker. The warmth won't last long against the cruel sliding fingers of my cold shadow. I stand back and undress. Taking of my jeans I look at the door. I still feel bad for slamming it in front of that poor shadow. What really confused me everyday is that the shadows would be everywhere..but the this room. The room of requirement never had any shadows in it. Like it would be protecting me. Although I have never even thought about keeping the darkness out of this room it seems to have decided for me. I finally remove my underwear and slip in the bath. I take a normal breath not wanting to stay there for long and submerge my whole body in the silky water. I lay still for a moment listening to the beating of the never changing heart inside me. It feels as if the noise is so loud that with every beat the water ripples as if I moved. I open my eyes and look around. Something is different about the bathroom since yesterday. I start examining. The tub, to the left wall of the room is still like a pool, in the baby blue tiled ground. The room is still as rectangular as always, with the same marble sink by the right wall next to the door leading to the toilet. At the front wall, as always, to the right is another door to the closet in which the clothes wished for appear. To the left, right in front of me, are the taps. Just like in the prefect bathroom, as many as you want, with anything you'd like coming out of them. Behind me the small white cabinet with a mirror. Everything was either blue or white. However I notice that the room was unusually empty in the middle. I struggle to remember anything being there in the first place. I look up at the ceiling and smile at the little mermaid waving at me. She's different from the real ones, she looks like from a story, with bright pink hair down to her waist with golden plaits here and there scattered. The same gold that covered her tail and flowed to cover her breasts. Still looking at her I start getting dizzy. With my eye sight blurring I become happy my smile getting wider. The mermaid flashes me a worried look. But there beside her I see the first black spot. I snap back from my gaze to realise that the sound of my heart is quieting, I guess I was too wrapped up in the missing thing that I didnt notice. The booms are getting smaller and quieter until they were completely gone, along with half of my vision. I abruptly sit up not wanting to pass out here...again. I know I could do more and could wait to. Sitting I take many short breaths, but that doesn't stop them from burning my lungs. I close my eyes and now breathe as deep as i can letting the poison that keeps us alive fill me and brain feels as if i drank an iced drink way too fast. It takes me exactly 2 minutes to recover enough to open my eyes. Just like always. I turn around to the white cabinet and lean my head upwards. The mermaid seems to be relieved and i can see her eyes are full of pink liquid. By now i know its her tears. By now i know she doesn't want me doing this every night, or just doesn't want to watch... By now i know that if i go too far shes the only one to help me. But i also know that she doesn't understand why and that whiles shes helpful she is just A PAINTING! She can she the rage in my face and i definitely dont try to hide it. Im not angry at her but shes the only thing here to trigger the boiling mixture of feelings inside my dark being. I look down at my elf and mentally scold. She doesn't deserve anything she did nothing but help and is the only one i see through these shadowy moments. However this doesn't stop me from thinking, (more like pleading as the room is alway hesitant to do this), about the next tools i need. I close my eyes and pour all my emotions into that one thought, im overwhelmed by all the stuff im feeling that i have suppressed over time but i know that if i dont do this correctly the room wont do as i ask. My eyes close and i tremble with the emotions swirling inside me but its worth it. I finaly open my eyes and see that the room gave in. I smile and reach towards the cupboard behind the tub. On it stacked neatly in a little plate are my tools. At the very bottom there is a pair of new razors, sharp and glistening. Hovering above is the blade of a knife, the black handle resting at the edge of the plate. On the blade sits a decorative carving pen knife and a needle. Everything is new. I carry out the first step of my routine. I know everything is sterile but I dunk it in the now cool water anyway. Even though the water is far from being warm, its still better than ice cold just a moment I being up the objects and I can almost hear a frosty sigh leave the metal. I pick up the needle and let my fingers play with it for some I lightly clasp it in between them and bring it up to my i stop eyeing the one scar on my left arm as I do everyday.

"You don't want anyone to find out do you!? If you do it on the arm they'll see now won't they?" I scold myself out of habit looking up at the mermaid. I see tears running down her pale cheeks and she nods. She doesn't want to but it's the only thing supporting me and the room won't deny me that. I feel bad, subconsciously forcing her to go along this, but it's the only thing that works.  
I bring the needle down to my stomach and lightly trace the scars and open wounds that are already there. Moving down to my thighs i do the same. I finish and proceed with the second step. I stab my right leg, as hard as I can. As if in slow motion, I watch the needle dig in three quarters of the way in, and my leg jerks. However this isn't the best part.. I tilt the needle and start slowly pulling on it. The real pain only starts. When I've retrieved the needle I close my eyes and do the same to my left leg. My head starts clearing as the water gains colour, as if my thoughts rushed out with the steady stream of blood. I swap the needle for a razor. With the sharp blade I re-carve the letter "N" in my inner thigh. Wincing at the pain, with a grin on my face and a white colour filling/blanking my mind I carry on spelling. "O-T G-O-O-D E-N-O-U-G-H". Exactly 3 minutes later I sit back panting for breath, that I was holding. By now my mind is as blank as new snow. However that, no matter how happy I am now, doesn't satisfy me. Place down the razor and pick up the carving knife. On my right leg, where the words are on the left, I carve a drawing. I freshen the wounds that I did yesterday. In the end the swirly born fling down my leg is outlined in red. I glance at the water just realising how red it actually is. I can hardly see the parts of me submerged in it. But i'm almost done so i carry on. Finally I replace the pen knife with the big one. Without hesitation I slash two large cuts on each leg at the outer part of it. I whelp as the pain over takes, throwing my head back.  
"That's it.." I think. "I'm done for today."

Thanks so much for reading, please help me improve by reviewing!


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